But I was thinking about some changes I could make if I were the boss around here:

1. I’d rename my position from CEO to SD (SuperDude).
2. I’d email the LGBTI worker with a list of adjectives that are synonymous to the word “fabulous” and encourage him to use them in everyday sentences.
3. I’d send a memo to our policy officer to inform her that “action” is a noun, not a verb, and nobody should be asked to action anything proposed near the water cooler.
4. I’d put a TV next to the water cooler. That’ll shut the fuckers up.
5. I’d program my computer to send an hourly SMS to all my employees’ mobile phone with the text “What’s doin?”
6. I’d put diet coke in the water cooler. You know how that shit fizzes up when you put it through a tap. I might leave a pack of mentos nearby and see what happens.
7. Recommend to the refugee and settlement worker that Scottish accents are way more professional in her field.
8. I’d then ban drinking of all liquids in the office and remove the water cooler.
9. Then I’d move the TV into the CEO’s office, make all the employees join twitter, and then tweet about what’s happening on the Ellen Degeneres Show and Young and the Restless.

Any other suggestions?