Okay, so I’m like so in LA right now, and soaking up it’s awesomeness. I got photos on Facebook. There was one sight I could not bear to photograph, Muscle beach. Picture this: (a) open air gym; (b) only one guy in the gym; (c) said guy has more muscle in his ear than I have in my entire body; (d) said guy wearing less clothing on his body than I’m wearing on my head; (e) said clothing used to carry his iPod.

If ever I could accused of approximating a mid-life crisis, I can now say that crisis is successfully averted. I’ve seen LA and I embrace my lack of coolness.

I see this sign every single day at the office whenever I need to go turn the lights on or off. I’m constantly reminded that I am, indeed, a head. Therefore I must watch myself.

Sometimes I think my daughter would make a fantastic fundamentalist Christian.

Beautiful Girl: “Dad, you like boys?”

Dad: “Err, yes, honey, I do.”

BG: “Right.”

Dad: “So… why ask?”

BG: “Well, I was wondering….”

Dad: “You can ask me anything, sweetheart. Go ahead.”

BG: “Who do you like better, Edward or Jacob?”

Dad: “Oh man, I thought you were going to ask me something serious.”

BG: “This is serious.”

Dad: “I don’t really like either of them. They’re both too young for me.”

BG: “What?”

Dad: “I’m old enough to be their dad, you know. I’m really not attracted to boys that young.”

BG: “I don’t get it.”

Dad: “You know, Bella’s dad?”

BG: “Eww, yeah. He’s mean.”

Dad: “He’s cute.”

BG: “Oh that’s disgusting. And I just don’t accept that.”

Dad: “I beg your pardon?”

BG: “You have to like either Edward or Jacob.”

Dad: “Why?”

BG: “That’s just the way it is.”

Historians and students of Australian history, riddle me this:

1. When Europeans arrived in Australia, did they take land away from anyone who may have lived on that land before?

2. Did they harm or kill anyone in order to acquire that land, or protect the land in acquisition?

3. Did Europeans enslave anyone to serve them who may have lived on their own before they arrived?

4. Did Europeans ask or force anyone to leave a piece of land so they could use it?

If the answer is yes to but one of these questions, then according to every English dictionary, Europeans did not settle in Australia. They (and by they, I mean we) invaded it.

Tony, teachers, anyone who wants to tell an Australian story. Use the left-side of your brain for a second and realise that words have meanings. Stop telling white people that they weren’t like the Spaniards in South America or the British in India or the Dutch in South Africa. We were exactly the same.

And when you meet in parliament every once in a while, how about a welcome to country?