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Treatments for a broken heart…
Mar 5th, 2010 by paul

  1. Exercise.
    There’s nothing better than getting in touch with your body when you’re feeling low. I enjoy going for a run. For that extra resistance, I knock out my ex with some rohypnol, take off his clothes, and drag him along behind me.
  2. Remember that drugs and porn don’t work.
    They have, however, earned me enough money to get a good therapist.
  3. Kick a puppy.
  4. Don’t slut it out of your system.
    That’s just offensive to sluts and takes the fun out of being a slut for its own sake.
  5. Hug a friend.
    Some of my friends have massive knockers. I can convince them I’m depressed enough, and gay enough, that they let me cry into their cleavage. A real good sob leads to that wet and warm feeling.
  6. Write a list of all the things you can do now that you’re single.
    For example: Lee, Michael, Sarah, Ramon, Jeremy, Stuart and Michelle, and then on Monday, Alexis, Hoa, Pedro and that guy who sells coffee outside Melbourne Central station.
  7. Remind yourself of your own worth.
    $150 in-calls, $250 out-calls.
  8. Consider it an opportunity for growth.
    Tell the story of your broken heart to your children every night. Add a moral to the story, so that your experiences will help them grow as people. The moral I like to use is, “Don’t have kids.”
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