Sometimes I think my daughter would make a fantastic fundamentalist Christian.

Beautiful Girl: “Dad, you like boys?”

Dad: “Err, yes, honey, I do.”

BG: “Right.”

Dad: “So… why ask?”

BG: “Well, I was wondering….”

Dad: “You can ask me anything, sweetheart. Go ahead.”

BG: “Who do you like better, Edward or Jacob?”

Dad: “Oh man, I thought you were going to ask me something serious.”

BG: “This is serious.”

Dad: “I don’t really like either of them. They’re both too young for me.”

BG: “What?”

Dad: “I’m old enough to be their dad, you know. I’m really not attracted to boys that young.”

BG: “I don’t get it.”

Dad: “You know, Bella’s dad?”

BG: “Eww, yeah. He’s mean.”

Dad: “He’s cute.”

BG: “Oh that’s disgusting. And I just don’t accept that.”

Dad: “I beg your pardon?”

BG: “You have to like either Edward or Jacob.”

Dad: “Why?”

BG: “That’s just the way it is.”

Historians and students of Australian history, riddle me this:

1. When Europeans arrived in Australia, did they take land away from anyone who may have lived on that land before?

2. Did they harm or kill anyone in order to acquire that land, or protect the land in acquisition?

3. Did Europeans enslave anyone to serve them who may have lived on their own before they arrived?

4. Did Europeans ask or force anyone to leave a piece of land so they could use it?

If the answer is yes to but one of these questions, then according to every English dictionary, Europeans did not settle in Australia. They (and by they, I mean we) invaded it.

Tony, teachers, anyone who wants to tell an Australian story. Use the left-side of your brain for a second and realise that words have meanings. Stop telling white people that they weren’t like the Spaniards in South America or the British in India or the Dutch in South Africa. We were exactly the same.

And when you meet in parliament every once in a while, how about a welcome to country?

1. Exercise.
   There’s nothing better than getting in touch with your body when you’re feeling low. I enjoy going for a run. For that extra resistance, I knock out my ex with some rohypnol, take off his clothes, and drag him along behind me.
2. Remember that drugs and porn don’t work.
   They have, however, earned me enough money to get a good therapist.
3. Kick a puppy.
4. Don’t slut it out of your system.
   That’s just offensive to sluts and takes the fun out of being a slut for its own sake.
5. Hug a friend.
   Some of my friends have massive knockers. I can convince them I’m depressed enough, and gay enough, that they let me cry into their cleavage. A real good sob leads to that wet and warm feeling.
6. Write a list of all the things you can do now that you’re single.
   For example: Lee, Michael, Sarah, Ramon, Jeremy, Stuart and Michelle, and then on Monday, Alexis, Hoa, Pedro and that guy who sells coffee outside Melbourne Central station.
7. Remind yourself of your own worth.
   $150 in-calls, $250 out-calls.
8. Consider it an opportunity for growth.
   Tell the story of your broken heart to your children every night. Add a moral to the story, so that your experiences will help them grow as people. The moral I like to use is, “Don’t have kids.”
   

I’m over the Church crying that it’s out to seek those lost in the darkness and bring them to the light.
I want to be with people who appreciate their own lives have dark times, and seek those who may shine a light on it for them.

I’m sick and tired of the Church lamenting that people have not yet found the Gospel.
I want to be with people who hear the good news that is found in all walks of life, even if it’s not their own personal brand.

I’m bored with the Church that desires to bring people closer to God.
I want to be with those who yearn for God by being closer to people.

I’m done with the Church that promises salvation to whoever comes to it.
I want to be with people who find their own salvation by going out into the world.

I’m breaking up with the Church that demands your heart belongs to Jesus.
I want to be with those who know we are all in his heart.

I’m leaving the Church that asks me to defend why I don’t try to convert the Hindus, Muslims, pregnant teenagers, single dads, drug queens and drag kings.
I’m sticking with those who talk about how Jesus died for the Jews, the Muslims, the preggies, druggies and draggies, the Hindus and who-don’ts.

And I demand that the Church defends why it doesn’t embrace those people unconditionally. It’s time now. Church, read your bibles again. I think you missed something.