MFEW (my favourite exwife) and I had lunch together the other day. She kept on asking me about who I’m hooking up with, if I’ve gone on any dates lately, whether I’m doing boys and girls, you know, the usual polite conversation that two exlovers talk about. She was surprised when she heard that nobody’s having any fun around me, and I’m not doing much to invite it really. But given that I work full-time, study full-time and have two kids, maybe I should have some more complications in my life. Maybe it’s time to get back in the saddle, especially since of all people, my ex is encouraging me to do so. But I think there are some other signs that it might be time to go out and see people:

1. I’m developing a crush on Graham Norton.

2. I’m having conversations with the tree in my backyard.

3. I’m afraid to buy a pet, only because I start thinking about what the pet would look like when it’s found eating my eight-day old dead corpse in my living room after choking on chorizo fettuccine.

4. At times, out of the blue, I start wondering what Wendy Harmer is up to these days.

5. I wake up in the middle of the night in a cold sweat, momentarily convinced that I’ve physically regressed and my voice is breaking all over again.

6. Steve Carrell starts making a lot more sense.

And worst of all,

7. I refer to the last time I had sex as the “Howard years”.