I wanna know if there’s anyone out there who, when they were a kid, wanted to be an embalmer when they grew up. I wanted to be a teacher or a spider. I didn’t know anyone who thought when they get old they would want to make sure corpses stayed preserved for funerals for, like, money and that. But there are plenty of embalmers out there, so I’m sure some kid somewhere said “Yep, that’s the life for me”.

I wanna know why, out of all the bloody stupid Chicken Soup for the Soul books are out there – Chicken Soup for the Teenage Soul, Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul, Chicken Soup for the S&M Soul, nobody has ever had the sensitivity to write Chicken Soup for the Chicken’s Soul.

‘Cause I reckon, if there’s ever someone in need for a little word of comfort, it’d be that guy.

Seriously.